Fai†hfully Preparing my Fields for the Rain

:: phew! wat a day! ::

y do i feel like so many things done today yet i didn't do anything...

first i reach church early at 2.30pm to prepare for icebreaker for the sec students having tuition, never lead such a big group b4 so i dunno wat happened, i just got tongue tied or something... i think i'm more to 1 on 1... then is cell croup followed by giving tiution for pri 6!! uhg!! i can't stand them! there were 3 boys n 2 girls, 2 teachers... the girls, no prob! the guys!? 1 of them is an A student but he's just so freakin arrogant, he told the 1 of the other boy that he's definitely smarter than him... the poor boy just keep talking but just couldn't concentrate with his work, always the slowest 1... whereas for the last boy keep on shouting the second boy to shut up...

phew! n wat i do? i sat there n mark their work... they ask me question i say, "dunno, skip" i can really say that i'm such a lousy teacher... n judging from wat i did in the afternoon, i'm such a lousy entertainer n leader... then i need to do discipleship training homework... then still need to organise outing for dance, said they wanted to watch movie n go science center... then need to choreograph a dance for easter day program... then need to level up my maple char... but need to be consistant but also need to be consistant with my quiet time with God... then need to pick up the daily habit of reading bible... then need to clean up my room not only clean up but must consistantly keep it clean while i'm not the only 1 messing my room up but still must clean... then my younger sister growing up liao cos she going out with guys... my older sister is still the same... overspending n pestering my parents for more money while me n my younger sister struggles to keep the family together but my older sister cries everyday without fail complaining no money when she gets dunno how much a day... sometimes up to a hundred n she can actually spend it in a day... then gets scolded when she gets back... sometimes my mom cries over quarreling with my sis or dad... my younger sis dun even treats my older sis with the respect an older sis should have... this pen continue to tell me "Have you thank God today?"

haiz... me? is this pen talking to me? who am i? y am i here? where do i need to go? who do i need now..?

yes! me! this pen is talking to this stupid guy in front of the computer! i'm such a losser! no leadership qualities! not fun! dun even know how to talk! don't know how to teach! dunno y i'm here oso! dunno where to go cos too stupid! nobody to turn to cos too late liao! cos i'm such a losser! who would want such a losser for a friend! i think i should go n die better! no wonder limb biscuit sang the, "it's a fucked up this, fucked up that, everybody knows this song... fucked up..."

hmmm... this is not going anywhere... i gotta stop bringing myself down... must pull myself together! This cannot be me talking! It must be satan trying to destroy me from the inside, smart move! but the Holy Spirit within me is stronger! hah!

my prayer:
God, pls renew me with strength to go on, to pick myself up once again, to deny myself and carry the cross daily and follow you. Thank you for hearing my prayer. In Jesus Christ name, Amen.

Had a Vision
on Saturday, March 25, 2006, 11:42 PM

:: Dreams ::

ok, b4 i 4get them better jot them down...

i had 2 series of diff dreams... first 1 was that i came into this house... the weird thing is this 3 storey house had no stairs up to the 2nd or 3rd floor but there was this secret opening that can only climb up with this funny looking soft type of ladder daggling down from the ceiling but it was impossible to climb as the ladder would just break if any1 climbs up as it was like the fabric of cobwebs but somehow i had the power to solidify it into spider webs which was stronger then i climbed up but the space was so small up there n dark, i had to crawl with my belly on the ground towards an opening that seems like a door, all i knew was that i saw light coming out from there so i bracefully crawled towards it then slowly every1(dunno who) else started to follow up but to my surprise again, there were no stairs to the 3rd floor which is the atic, then amazing i had the power to create stairs up to the atic, i placed the stairs strategiclly n customise the position as i desired, then realising i could create stairs i created stairs to the 1st floor as well, but still people were coming up from tt small passage tt i first got up from not willing to use the stairs...

wow! i had such a long dream? nvm, on to the 2nd dream...

i was in a house i dun think it's the same house, this time i saw a few people... pastor n anfernee, wilson n passion, n finally there was bona n a few children tt i can't recall who.... hmm... strange... 2 people from my church, 2 from wbg, n bona is my aunt's daughter who is in austrailia... somehow we were playing a game, a competitive type of game... there were 2 teams i think then something happen n a conversation took place tt i 4got or maybe i wasn't listening then they went outside the house without me knowing so i tot they left or something then i went to do my things n wanted to change my pants, while changing i took out a sort of wet handphone from the back pocket with a few tissue paper worrying tt is it that i 4got to take out my handphone the 2nd time n threw my pants into the washing machine, the handphone was rather high-tech i didn't know the model then i heard someone coming into my room calling me out, tt some1 came fast n closer n closer... i quickly tried to wear my pants but the door opened suddenly!

n in shock, i woke up!
My mom came into my room telling me she cooked curry chicken, tell me go eat... phew!

Had a Vision
on , 12:19 PM

:: Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. ::

ok... i'm writing my blog with this lousy 5yr old computer while sitting on this lousy chair tt's abt to break anytime...

writing abt a midnight blabbering... i think i'm still weak... i need to pull away longer... maybe after this discipleship training, i'll get stronger! I WILL!! I MUST!! in Jesus Christ name, amen.

wat do children still want even after they're all grown up... the most valuable thing others have of course! n wat's the most valuable thing others have..? is it their fav pastime? is it their fav pet? is it their money? or it is their love? NO! it's their time... it's cost: priceless! it's quantity:1 lifetime per person... y do some children likes it when their parents read them bedtime story, y is it so when some grow up, they try all sorts of nonsense, climbing up trees, winning countless trophies, getting countless "As" on their report card as they grow up, winning recognition through their jobs, y? do they just want to hear something from someone? wat is tt something then? who is tt someone then? everyones lives for a reason, for a purpose, for a cause, for a belief...

me? my parents give everything i want when i was young... they still do, but now i dun ask for much... i can only hope for their precious "time"... but i couldn't get it... it seems tt the world has made it so that their work is prioritize b4 their children... hmm... so wat i do? i went searching.. searching for some1 elses time... so desperate that when my friends talk among themselves ignoring my presence, i didn't mind at all.. i just needed company... whereas my purpose for living... it's unknown.. it should be God, His love is enough... tt's y i say i'm still weak...

the title? i went to bath n when i came back, my screen saver pops up! this was what it said... n i believe this is exactly what God wanted me to see.. Thank you God...

Had a Vision
on Friday, March 24, 2006, 1:13 AM

:: Have You Thanked God Today? ::

wow... it's been so long since i wrote anything... maybe becos i have nothing to write.. makes me wonder y ppl write blogs and when they write them... they write them when theier happy? or when their sad? I'm a gamer, playing game whole day, feeling frustrated sometimes only...
some ppl often write about their family about what happened or what was said in thier conversation, but me? my family seems alright, i see them a few minutes everyday and all they say is "come eat dinner!" or "eat fruit" the more intensive talking would be among the females in my family...
Back to the topic! recently i found a pen somewhere but i dunno where i got it... it sayson it "Have you thank God today?" it's a great reminder for us all... especially now when i'm in great stress!!! I'm taking a supp paper tmr n the best part is... i only know 2 chapters... the last time i took supp paper i wasn't so stress, i knew i was going to fail... i retook it this sem n got B+!!! tt's something to thank God for, isn't it? but this time i said i wanted to pass supp paper! maybe becos i can't face the fact tt i could fail the second time!! but this is another subject... I think i know y i'm so stress...
This morning i had quiet time, i read the part in matthew about Jesus last few hours where he when to pray n he said, "If it is possible, remove this cup from me, not as i will but as your will" cos he knows he's going to face something terrible, now i'm also feeling tt same feeling of anticipating something terrible, the terrible thing is tt i have to go to school tmr to take a paper which i know nuts about... i'm just going to sit there n write blanks... i can't belive i'm going to write nothing n hand in the paper!!
I thank God for letting me blog... i feel slightly better...

Had a Vision
on Thursday, March 23, 2006, 8:21 PM