Fai†hfully Preparing my Fields for the Rain

:: A little more about me ::

funny i keep trying to learn more about myself... no wonder it's for others to know more about me... cos there's so much that even i don't know about myself yet and i think there's more to come.

today i learned that i am the type of person who cannot self generate an idea out of nothing meaning only when i hear the ideas of others then i use their ideas to modify and make them better, i tend to look at loop holes of everything n try to improve them sometimes when i hear too many ideas n i think their all good, i won't try to modify them individually but instead combined all of the ideas into 1 and then i modify it!

the good thing, i make thing whole a better place, the bad thing, people might get upset if i steal their ideas like tt... but then again, there is no way to please everyone rite? another bad thing is if i were to go out with people who are quiet, it's gonna be a really quiet outing... cos my imagination needs a kick start!

so the question is still, "how do u start a conversation?"

Had a Vision
on Monday, June 26, 2006, 5:59 PM

:: Finally over! ::

I've been enlightened! i fianally understood the umbrella in my prophesy! today when ZhiJin told me my small umbrella very cute, etc. then somehow i said, 'small then can hold the girl close mah'. This was the torn n tattered umbrella, not the umbrella itself cos it's really it's not torn and tattered... it's the concept behind having it that made me sick and hurt cos it has holes n can no longer protect me from the storms of life. I tot love can only be given to only 1 person, but tt's not the love God wanted me to have. God's love is called Agape, it's shown through Jesus Christ, all the things He did... especially this, 'He died for all our sins, He loves us all.'

He didn't love only 1 person, He loved all! God wanted me to throw away this concept of loving only 1 person, so that He can give me this bigger umbrella so tt i can use it to protect more people, to shelter them from the storms of life!

God has already given me a merciful heart, i just didn't put it to good use... i'm sorry God... i'll start today! And THANK YOU GOD!! 5 days of dark clouds over my head is finally over.

Had a Vision
on Saturday, June 24, 2006, 12:27 AM

:: still sad lehz... ::

y?! Wai!! WHY!!!

there's so many things going on in my head now... if i were tell any1 my tots, they're gonna tell me i think too much! like tt's gonna help me liddat, idiots... hmm... remind me of myself... lesson learnt... never say to some1 "u think too much liao". must try to make the situation better... hmm... tell them the worst when they think too pessimistically, tt should brighten up their day... or maybe not... shouldn't reverse psychology be the best?

now i'm thinking 'too much' about the problem which i really dunno what it is... i went to camp and i saw this beautiful girl called Kerrie, i teased her abit... then i oso saw Tiffany who also somehow opened my eyes so after the camp i went to look for their friendster cos i wanted to talk to them thinking that that would help me cure whatever is weakening me, i spent 1 whole day finding them n i did found them... after awhile, Kerrie somehow added me to msn... i wondered how she did it... during the camp, I was the 1 who ask the facilitator to get their contacts, i received their contacts on tuesday or wednesday... i sent to rachel first asking her if she's her, cos she dun have friendster n msn i think... then after i added every1 i can to friendster and msn, i saw JunChen online, so i talked to him, he just woke up so didn't talk much... that terrible feeling is still there... then on impulse, i started msging Tiffany... we talked for awhile... when i msg her i kept saying "dun reply dun reply" but inside i wanted her to reply cos when she didn't reply i got anxious... n when she did reply i was somehow happy...

it reminded me of what i felt when i first met Samantha, the same feeling of anticipating her call or msg when my phone ringed... can this be Infatuation? then what was it tt's between Sammo n me, just a burst of short lasted passion as well?

back to Tiff... but the conversation somehow didn't last long... cos i didn't know her exams are next week... i think she got irritated... i felt abit better after talking to her... then tt awful feeling came back not long after... am i missing her? but i dun even know her... again reminded me of Sammo... same feeling i felt when i was not talking to her...

wednesday, i wrote a testi for Kerrie cos i really think she deserves it... but didn't really talk to her cos i think she's attached, n i dun wanna spoil anything special between anybody... she msn me on thursday to thank me for the testi n we chatted for awhile, i teased her here n there abit to make her laugh cos her smile really very nice... though i cannot see through msn but i can recall during the camp... the conversation didn't last long either cos i got lost for words... at night, i went jogging thinking tt would help but unfortunately, it didn't... Kerrie talked to me again... i tried to end the conversation quickly cos i'm really lost for words... then i think i made her upset for tt... i really dun wanna become a 3rd party... i tend to think about tt though i've never done tt. Love is too beautiful to be destroyed... Then the next bad thing happen...

Tiffany was online. Bad cos i told Kerrie i was sleepy but i didn't went off... so i talked to Tiffany to see if it was really her only but didn't want to just end the conversation liddat... i remembered it was late, 11pm i think cos reminded me of Sammo who also very late then online 1... then we used to talk to through the endless nights, i tried to end this conversation fast as well, gave her the flower i made in photoshop during school hours then abruptly ended the conversation... felt bad... felt i made a bad impression like i'm a rude bastard...

i wrote a testi for Serling... i tot i finally know her better liao... she wrote me back 1 on today... it didn't really descibed me well but i just added it cos she went through the trouble to write me 1...

i think i know the problem... i'm feeling lonely... or is it isolated... maybe emptiness... or could it be depression? even after saying so much, it's not helping... i feel the same...

God help me!!

Had a Vision
on Friday, June 23, 2006, 11:22 AM

:: pain, not wounded ::

i'm still at it... yesterday i finally got the numbers so i talked to some of them but the fastest response was Tiffany, then we talk awhile thru msg loh... i still feel the same though...

at night i went to take sign language lessons, it was super FUN! can't wait for the next lesson! but after i got back, i became super tired cos tuesday i got prayer meeting which i ended up reaching home at 11.15pm n yesterday i reach home at 11.45pm... walao, then every morning must reach school at 8.30am... liddat where got enough sleep!! haiz...

then dunno what the hell happen to my home msn messenger, cannot connect, cannot online very xing ku seh!

then what is this pain doing in my heart, it hurts! it's the 4th day now!! Some1 pls dispel this emotional anxiety spell tt's driving my hormones' crazy, i dun even know who has cast on me!

God please help me... is this the special training u have plan for me? when will i be able to stand up in victory over the enemy? What is the humbleness u want to see in me? God help me... i not know how get pass this stage...

Had a Vision
on Thursday, June 22, 2006, 9:42 AM

:: AHH!!! ::

i need to snap out of this! i know love too well to know that this feeling is just a short live passion! but argh! i'm feeling lonely... it's driving me crazy... so weak... i can't believe this... i'm not that weak!! God help me!

Had a Vision
on Wednesday, June 21, 2006, 4:59 PM

:: Yes! i got it! ::

I know liao! Thank you, God! but i may still be wrong... Love is branch out into 2 types... passionate and compassionate. Compassionate love are the ones i describe b4,

to passionately love is to touch, to hold, to hug, to kiss, to woohoo, etc.

unfortunately, these are acceptable in other countries, but for the current culture i'm in, these can only be given to one, and only one will receive them to show faithfulness...

compassionate love are invisble to the human eye, no one can see if some1 has understand even if the person said he/she understands, no one really knows if u're really listening when you can stand in front of the person and just nod your head and pretends to be listening...

so i shall compassionately show and share the love that God has shown me to everyone and keep the sea of passion in me until God tell me personally who the one He has prepared for me is, only then will i open the ocean of affection in me.

Sorry Sam, i'm removing you from my thoughts and replacing you with God and Love...

Had a Vision
on Tuesday, June 20, 2006, 12:38 PM

:: What is to protect? ::

Dictionary defined as
shield from danger, injury, destruction, or damage.

i know what it means, the question is.. is it possible to protect without love? arn't they all interlinked? One cannot be without the other, rite?

to love is to protect, to defend, to be a pillar, to be a shield, to listen, to care, to understand, to be patient, to be kind, to be gentle, to be good, to be faithful to, to teach, to advice, to give, to praise, to support, to lend a helping hand, to make them feel peaceful, to make them feel accepted, to make them happy, to make them laugh, to make dreams come true, to provide, to sacrifice?

then can love be given to only 1 person? is it not I am the one giving the love, the 1 who receives that love has no rite to say that he/she is to be the only one to be loved by the lover? haiz...

God, thank you for giving me wisdom, i have overcome many storms in life but this is the hardest obstacle i've come across... please give me more wisdom so i can do your will. Power and glory to God forever and ever. Amen.

Had a Vision
on , 12:14 PM

:: did time stop again? ::

during the camp i met a few people... in my family (team)... there were events in the camp that made me realise more about myself like my brotherly protective behaviour only occurs when i'm acknowledged as 1. Like when some1 calls me a knight, only then i become the knight of that person, protecting with my life, always fighting for a cause and bringing the magic and fantasy to life... Or when some1 who calls me brother, i'll be like a brother to that person, loving, teaching and protecting. I'm like a shapeshifter who takes the form and role of anything that i'm known as. I also can tell myself what i am then i become tt but when some1 else says it, it's stronger... there are other roles i've taken up before like, Angel, Devil, Guardian, Leader... which lead me to thinking when i like some1, is it because i'm having the role of a lover? Am i some1's prince charming only after that person thinks i am 1?

i think i'm having a personality crisis here... Who am I then? Arn't I the Warrior Andrew, with God given wisdom and courage who's told to protect the ones smaller and weaker than me?

Had a Vision
on , 10:01 AM

:: 30hr under no roof camp ::

funny... i got to know myself more yesterday... after going to this 30hr famine camp on saturday and sunday, i felt different... there were people from many different schools and the majority are girls... being an engineering student, it's been a very long time since i saw so many girls of such high standards... most are from jc, some vj, most from sajc... cos the camp was in sajc...

so the first day was like we got a scenario where in a team we play as a family with the father as the leader n mother as the assistant leader, my team had 12+1 facilitator, consisting of 4 guys 9 gals!! shiok... anyway, the scenario was that Spore had a natural disaster and most were separated from their friends then there were injured family members, others were put into the evacuation center then the father of the family had to find each member. I was having the role of an injured son who's in the hospital.
Then the second scenario was that we had to build a shelter, there were jobs to do like bead picking, bead sorting, scavenger, prostitution and more.. it was funny how each family decide on wat jobs to do. There was also the black market and the government center to buy things from. there was also the hospital where we had to get vaccine for the family from the epidemic.
The third was that we had to earn money(ice cream sticks), so every1 continued to earn money and the black market was buying children for 20 bucks each?! our father didn't sell any of us of cos! we have a good father but very softspoken, i did most of the talking... -_-"
Then the second day, we went blk to blk to collect newspaper, clothes and toys for raising fund, our family search a total of 8 blks. The whole thing ended with a lousy concert...

Had a Vision
on , 8:55 AM

:: Prohesy translated... should be rite... ::

Lord, I bring forth this brother unto your throne. At the Lord's throne I see you in a casino but you are not gambling. At the casino there is a lot of chips, in the end you won a lot of chips and you are very excited and happy. God says that's right, if you seek me you will be like what you are in the casino winning all those chips into your hands. That kind of grace is beyond comprehension. Jesus wants to tell you that you must leave this world. The world will attract you sometimes and make your heart not know how to love Jesus even more because Jesus says you cannot serve me and money. Jesus says only by following the Holy Spirit can bring you life and peace. If you follow the world it will only lead to death because the road to heaven is narrow, there are two roads for you to choose. You must choose. And this choice is not blurry, it's very clear. Jesus wants to help you. When you choose to love the world or choose to love in Jesus. Jesus is ready to help you. When you start to call out to Him, Jesus will give you strength because... I can feel that in your life you have great financial capabilities, you have great talent, you have the fruit of self-control, the gift of management but the world also likes you a lot. Child, you must know that if you were to choose the world, it would mean that you are walking towards the road to death. Only when you choose Jesus will there be peace and joy. Jesus wants you to love even more for the one younger than you. Lord Jesus wants you to have a heart that is as merciful as His to look at those weaker and smaller than you because Jesus also loves them because Jesus came for those people. Just like Sakkai, everybody hates him, but Jesus said to Sakkai, come down, today I will live in your house. Jesus is going to put this kind of mercifulness into you. When you see those who are small and weak, you can go and protect them because God has chosen you this way. Jesus is also going to help you in your ways towards authority making you more submissive because Jesus says that when we submit to authority, it will lead to blessings and protection. Jesus is going to be your protector. I see Jesus giving you a big umbrella because sometimes I see you holding your small umbrella, that small umbrella, torn and tattered is unable to protect you because... Sometimes it’s not strength and might that will bring forth victory but victory is gain only by Jehova, our God. Jesus wants you to throw away that small, torn and tattered umbrella, you might say I only have this umbrella, Mm! Like Not bad leh. But Jesus says No, you must throw away then Jesus brings you a big umbrella for you. I see you throw away that umbrella of yours and holding the big umbrella that God is going to give you. Then all those people smaller than you cuddled together with you hiding under that big umbrella which means God will choose you to be a leader. God will choose you to be a leader, but before that God will specially train you, these training, at this point God wants to train you, sometimes you might feel that it seems like unfair to you, why others can yet I cannot. Jesus says child, no, it is because I want to train you. I want to train you. God wants you to be more humble upon me because God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble. When you are willing to humble yourself, you will see the wisdom and courage God has put in you constantly reveal itself and your joy will overflow. Glory to God because you know that it is Jesus that has done these onto you. Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you. Jesus will start retraining you so that in your path of righteousness you may shine out God’s glory and beauty. And people are going to see in you, the Jesus in you revealed. Jesus wants to tell you from today onwards, whatever you do, say, or make, every deed, every word, you must be very careful because Jesus wants to tell you, My life in you will be revealed through you.

Had a Vision
on Tuesday, June 13, 2006, 8:03 PM

:: Questions finally answered! ::

thank you God! yesterday, 9th june 2006, friday, i'm finally a Knight! but am I really 1 yet?

today, after coming back from cell, a pastor came to our church to prophesize, n it's simply amazing what i heard... i didn't say anything, she just told me to close my eyes she started talking... it's recorded down so i can hear it again, it's very long so i'll just cut it down n i'll try to translate the whole thing into english in my next entry..

at first she told me i was in a casino which caught me by surprise but i was not gambling yet i won alot of chips and i'm very excited then she added tt if i continue seek Him, God will make me wealthy just like that, she says not to follow the world for the world will lead me astray, she says that she see's great natural talents and ablities in me, management qualities, n the ability to handle finance well, n so the world loves me too, i will have to make a choice between God and the world, One cannot serve 2 masters, she also says that the choice is very clear n not blurred... then she said God gave me a big umbrella, she said God is going to give me a merciful heart and told me to accept, protect n look after the ones younger n weaker than me. she said i'm holding a small umbrella n told me to throw away that umbrella so that Jesus can give me that bigger umbrella, she also said she saw me throwing away tt small umbrella n holding that big umbrella then those younger ones will come cuddle under my umbrella, which she says that God has chosen you to be a leader but before you become 1, you'll have to undergo some training, trainings that might seems unfair to you but is required to make you humble becos the Lord despise the proud. God also says from today onwards your words, your actions and every movement you must be careful for God will show His glory through you.

simply amazing... i teared...

Had a Vision
on Saturday, June 10, 2006, 8:18 PM

:: pek chek ::

Wah seh! bei tahan manz! today like shit manz! dunno how to desscribe! shit is shit manz!
Funny today Si Dong never ask me go their prayer meeting, i wonder y... but anywayz, tt's not y i'm pek chek... it's after i come home den pek chek... i want to train dumbbell but cannot find the thing that holds the weight in place so i search the wardrobe which was virtually impossible to search properly so i ended up clearing the big pile of mess, the mess which was not made by me, tt's y so pek chek!! n i always kanna scold for having such a dirty room... as if i like the mess liddat! not tt i was scolded today or any other day b4 just tt when my mom not happy tt time, she would vent on me, n people who come my house would also have bad impression me liao... shit manz!

in summary, my name is being destroyed for something i did not do, i have to constantly clean up myself for things i did not do as well, n i have to take the consequences of something i did not do!

summary's summary, I'M FRAMED!!!

BUT!!! i also know Jesus did something better... He died for our sins... T_T
thank you Jesus... n please forgive me for complaining but i'm just human, n i have weakness. I pray u'll hear my every heartbeat n tell me you already understood everything. Thank you God for giving me peace, for now i just want to pray for a good night's sleep. In Jesus Christ name i pray. Amen

Had a Vision
on Wednesday, June 07, 2006, 12:19 AM

:: My Hair!! ::

It's gone again! but not completely.. not very happy with it... cos no more color... i went to REDS... i didn't know cos my mum say go tamp mall 3rd floor cut, but when i reach there, there were so many salons... after i cut then she tell me it's jeanyip... but what to do... i told the hairstylist i want something different, something new then she told me cut short, then i continued that i also wanted to have a tail... then now my hair anyhow liao... the front is ok, the side n back is terrible but i'm still happy with the tail though...

Had a Vision
on Thursday, June 01, 2006, 11:38 AM