Fai†hfully Preparing my Fields for the Rain

:: still sad lehz... ::

y?! Wai!! WHY!!!

there's so many things going on in my head now... if i were tell any1 my tots, they're gonna tell me i think too much! like tt's gonna help me liddat, idiots... hmm... remind me of myself... lesson learnt... never say to some1 "u think too much liao". must try to make the situation better... hmm... tell them the worst when they think too pessimistically, tt should brighten up their day... or maybe not... shouldn't reverse psychology be the best?

now i'm thinking 'too much' about the problem which i really dunno what it is... i went to camp and i saw this beautiful girl called Kerrie, i teased her abit... then i oso saw Tiffany who also somehow opened my eyes so after the camp i went to look for their friendster cos i wanted to talk to them thinking that that would help me cure whatever is weakening me, i spent 1 whole day finding them n i did found them... after awhile, Kerrie somehow added me to msn... i wondered how she did it... during the camp, I was the 1 who ask the facilitator to get their contacts, i received their contacts on tuesday or wednesday... i sent to rachel first asking her if she's her, cos she dun have friendster n msn i think... then after i added every1 i can to friendster and msn, i saw JunChen online, so i talked to him, he just woke up so didn't talk much... that terrible feeling is still there... then on impulse, i started msging Tiffany... we talked for awhile... when i msg her i kept saying "dun reply dun reply" but inside i wanted her to reply cos when she didn't reply i got anxious... n when she did reply i was somehow happy...

it reminded me of what i felt when i first met Samantha, the same feeling of anticipating her call or msg when my phone ringed... can this be Infatuation? then what was it tt's between Sammo n me, just a burst of short lasted passion as well?

back to Tiff... but the conversation somehow didn't last long... cos i didn't know her exams are next week... i think she got irritated... i felt abit better after talking to her... then tt awful feeling came back not long after... am i missing her? but i dun even know her... again reminded me of Sammo... same feeling i felt when i was not talking to her...

wednesday, i wrote a testi for Kerrie cos i really think she deserves it... but didn't really talk to her cos i think she's attached, n i dun wanna spoil anything special between anybody... she msn me on thursday to thank me for the testi n we chatted for awhile, i teased her here n there abit to make her laugh cos her smile really very nice... though i cannot see through msn but i can recall during the camp... the conversation didn't last long either cos i got lost for words... at night, i went jogging thinking tt would help but unfortunately, it didn't... Kerrie talked to me again... i tried to end the conversation quickly cos i'm really lost for words... then i think i made her upset for tt... i really dun wanna become a 3rd party... i tend to think about tt though i've never done tt. Love is too beautiful to be destroyed... Then the next bad thing happen...

Tiffany was online. Bad cos i told Kerrie i was sleepy but i didn't went off... so i talked to Tiffany to see if it was really her only but didn't want to just end the conversation liddat... i remembered it was late, 11pm i think cos reminded me of Sammo who also very late then online 1... then we used to talk to through the endless nights, i tried to end this conversation fast as well, gave her the flower i made in photoshop during school hours then abruptly ended the conversation... felt bad... felt i made a bad impression like i'm a rude bastard...

i wrote a testi for Serling... i tot i finally know her better liao... she wrote me back 1 on today... it didn't really descibed me well but i just added it cos she went through the trouble to write me 1...

i think i know the problem... i'm feeling lonely... or is it isolated... maybe emptiness... or could it be depression? even after saying so much, it's not helping... i feel the same...

God help me!!

Had a Vision
on Friday, June 23, 2006, 11:22 AM