:: I'm blogging because I need to... ::
I'm blogging cos i need to blog... especially after lying down in bed for 2 hrs turning n turning n unable to fall asleep cos I have so many things in my head swirling swirling...
So i'll just write down my thoughts in this thing called blog. Too bad it's open, people are reading this blog and they'll know what i'm thinking... but who cares! I always write down my thoughts and nobody cares!
It's my feelings that I never write down... maybe sometimes I write them down... It's the so called "weak" side of men... and the thing with people nowadays... they SUCK at encouraging people when someone else is down... well, at least tt's what I think cos everytime I'm down I have to keep it inside cos everytime I show, nobody knows what to do... they just stare...
But maybe they are like me? They know how to help but doesn't help cos they are scared... scared of what, I dunno... cos I'm still trying to figure out myself...
I need an answer God... I need a sign... I'm lost...
Right now I have a sea of emotions inside of me, many things I want to say to so many people, so many feelings I want to express to so many people... Happiness, sadness, sorrow, joy, anger, jealousy, pity, envy and many more...
God, I admit it... I'm the type of guy who wears a mask... This mask is a happy face mask, I wear it all the time, everywhere, infront of everyone. This mask is rather high tech... It helps me save everything I see, hear, or feel... Every single insult, bad word, gosip, every punch, kick, lies, every word of criticism, everything has been recorded down into my memory, sometimes they just blow up infront of me and it just hurts so much that I just want to die! But nobody can see this emense pain that I'm feeling... All because of this mask...
God, please help me remove this mask...
God, You're the only one I complain to... all the bad things that happens, when this person say what and what, when that person do so and so. I never take it out on them, cos I know it would hurt them. You told me to love them, didn't you?! So when they punch me, I let them punch somemore... When they curse me, I bless them somemore... When they hurt me, I also let them... Why am I so stupid???
Why can't I punch them back?
Why won't I say F*** you back?
Why do I keep the hurts in a bottle?
Everytime the bottle cracks and burst into tears, I somehow get a new one from dunno where! Then the process continues...
I hate going out... I hate going out with people... They drain the very life force out of me... maybe tt's why I keep staring at the computer, pressing the same buttons over and over again for unlimited hours despite knowing how the program works and that I'm just wasting my life away...
God, another thing I have to admit... I run when I face stress... I hide in maple... it's where nobody can find me... cos somehow I've gotten so close to the computer, that other than God, the computer is the only other "person" that I can really open up to...
ok, tt's all for now... my bottle is cracking...
Had a Vision
on Thursday, September 06, 2007, 11:47 PM