Fai†hfully Preparing my Fields for the Rain

:: Dear God, Forgive me, I lied. ::

I'd like to make a confession. I lied. I told people I'm ok, I'm doing fine, but I know very well that that is not the truth at all.

I've been reading Naruto and Bleach manga and even in these worldly stuff that I do, You still pop into my life.

It has been awhile, I've been trying to be strong but like Naruto and Ichigo, the demon in me, my old self is trying take over my life. I'm trying hard to become the person You want me to be, but it's hard, honestly, it's really really difficult. This candle can only shine so much in a world thats so dark. I fear one day, I may fade away or suddenly die out, then I'll be consume by darkness once again.

Thank God, it won't be anytime soon, cos I've seen this coming, I wanted it, I prayed You would mould me, and You are, I just never thought it'd be so tough. Yet You've reminded me time and time again that this is nothing compared to what You've done on the cross for me. Thank You God, everytime I think of Your wonderful love, I suddenly smile even on the bus while travelling.

Though I can see my change, slowly but surely. The odds are just really overwhelming, the obstacles faced, the cold and harsh reality of negative energy floating at the back of my head, the unavoidable distractions that fly in day to day, and the very fact that life is throwing shit on me every single moment till I get knocked down.

If the above paragraph was too deep, in layman term, I'm facing alot of problems, rejections, and fear to do some things. People around me keep saying "I can't do it.", the little voice in my head keep saying "You can't do it. You will fail. Don't even try." The media, internet, facebook, games, etc are constantly and subconsciously taking my time up. The shit is all the little stuff I do for others for none of my benefits. Paying the internet bills, cable, my phone, my sis's phone, sometime the utility bill, my allowance get borrowed back to buy food for the family leaving me with enough for eating a slice of bread for lunch and sometimes a whole day. At night when I reach home, I deal with my mom's complains, that dad never listens, that I should stop being stupid and being used by other people. I deal with my 28 yr old slowed-brain elder sister who never made it through primary school due to a fever accident at infant who is always quarreling with my parents and also making them quarrel because she keeps spending money like water oblivious to the fact that we are struggling and that's nothing we can do about her condition. Everytime I bring her out, there are so much more things I need to consider before I can buy anything, do anything or go anywhere because she is oblivious to sociology, has a bladder problem, Schizophrenia and very low capability to learn. With all that, I still need to manage my time with time-consuming school projects and work, facing rejections after rejections, coaching by managers for low sales and I'm completely neglecting the business I've invested in and should be doing. Then when it's finally weekend, I need to make cheesecake, I get no subsidies for helping, I also deliver them, use my dad's car, my money to pay for fuel, send people home with the same car from time to time. Deal with a little problematic cell that has frequent communication breakdowns, all busy with their own life be it school, work, and whatnot, low initiative to do a little more for the growth of the cell or I would call it the glory of God, severe lack of care, understanding, forgiveness and sensitivity for each other, still talking in worldly languages and excluding God in our conversation just because we know but what's the use of knowledge if it's not put into use. Don't even need to mention the lost souls that are hungering for God's words, there is simply little to nothing done about that. All these I've been facing for more than years, I've never told this to anyone because I see no point. I've been hiding the fact that I'm in the rat race, and the worst thing is I'm a stupid rat who would choose to suffer in silence. I'm crying out to God for a little miracle everyday. That He would heal me sister's condition, that my parents would come to Christ, that my sales are better, that the big case would come in so I don't have to worry about my school project, that I'm able to manage my time better, that my business could take off so I can have decent meals everyday when I'm alone and not just when I'm socializing, that the church will suddenly have a burst of passion to share the good news so we can multiply without silly fundraising events, that the cell would miracurously become ignited, united, and craving to serve God, the cell and one another selflessly. But none of those ever came true. None. Zero. But I still believe in God, and the promises He have already prepared for me even though I feel like a idiot sometimes.

Because I know these are all my responsibility, as a son, as a brother, as a friend, as a student, as a financial service consultant, as a web designer, as an aspiring entrepreneur, as a successor of my father's land, as a leader, as a follower, as a member of the church, as a disciple of God, as a servant of God, as an intern of the cell. I must give my best to God.

Thank God I'm single. Thank God I've not met that special someone who can show she loves God as much as I do.

I should not be disclosing this, but I've reached my limit. I told myself I will not disclose my hardship to anyone so as to not let anyone worry. Especially the ones I love, my sisters, my parents, my church, my cell, my friends, my leaders, my followers. As God loves them so much, I too must love them as much and the best way to express love is no other than sacrifice.

So to anyone who actually bothered to read this post, please do not disclose to me or anyone you've read this. Just a little 3 seconds prayer is appreciated.

Thank God, I know that these are happening all for the greater good. All is required for my growth. All for the glory of God. Amen.

Had a Vision
on Friday, October 29, 2010, 12:00 AM