Crap! I AM A BANANA!!!

“banana” - a yellow-skinned fruit with a white core.

I'm chinese who can speak chinese but I can't read!!! I failed chinese since young probably because I hated chinese when I was young, I guess I just hated my chinese teachers. I only had bad memories of all of them... One was an old and bold guy who slept in class after giving assignments for us to do, another was an old lady with curly hair who didn't believed in me and categorized me as a bad boy just because I sat with the naughty kids in class (like I had a choice) and even brought me to the principal's office for interrogation of this case of writing the teachers name as "old pig" on an unnamed exercise book (hello! I fail chinese, how would I know how to write!). Then later I manage to just pass when I had this teacher who was a little more patient and took extra time to teach me personally but later she left and poof! so was my chinese...

During my 'O' levels, my chinese teacher sent me to take CLB, basic chinese, instead of the normal chinese, I was the only one sent there in my class, how saddening can that be... I didn't know anyone there... I've been walking a path of loneliness, solitude and isolation for whole my whole quarter of my life... Even during my poly life, I already made many friends but none were interested in the things I do, I joined many CCAs that none of my classmates were interested in... so in the end I had to keep making new friends... When I went out to work part time, nobody was interested to work with me, and again I had to make new friends... When I went army, nobody I knew went to the same company with me and again I have to make new friends... Then when I came out and wanted to pursue dancing but nobody was interested and so I went to take the courses alone and again I had to make new friends.... now I come out to work... the same things happened... Currently I have 615 friends on facebook, probably only half of which are good friends, and only about 1% close friends but Zero best friend and no soulmate yet... Am I really meant for this path of a loner... I know I am a warrior but...

Wait a minute... why am I talking bout my path of loneliness suddenly...

All the banana's fault! They're making me bananas!! Gonna eat them all!!!

Was cycling down the same road back but it was a little wet... Then out of nowhere there was a bigger puddle of water in the middle of the path where I was cycling on. I was travelling at a reasonable speed, then I thought, should I go left or right to go around it but before I thought of a solution, I got too close and just went straight through it, getting a little splash that I would have avoided.

Then it struck me that sometimes life is like that. We encounter some potential problem that might mess us up somehow and we know the solution to overcome them. We have a few solution as a matter of fact. Then sometimes, reluctantly we couldn't decide which solution was the best and soon enough we ended up crashing straight into the problem that could very well been avoided.

Sometimes, the best solution may not always be the best in the end. Maybe just picking any solution would have been a better choice to start with...

Tongue Tied like I machiam choked on a fishball or something...

Cmon' Andrew, snap out of it! Just be yourself, just be normal alright!!

I never realized this until my mei took out the old photo album and said "How come you never smile in your pictures?"

Cos I was never a happy kid... I didn't know anything about the world, I didn't know anything about money or love for the matter of fact. I didn't know my parents were rich to the point my dad had 2 Mercedes Benz parked in the carpark and got it changed a few times. I didn't know I was a known as a spoiled kid, I had everything I wanted, every toy I got my eye on, I got it the next minute just by staring at it long enough, literally. I had so much toys, they piled up into mountains that I could no longer see the carpet floor in my room. I didn't know what I really wanted... I just kept asking for more...

Until my younger sis was born, she too was treated like a precious jewel, dad carried me less and lesser as the years go by, I didn't know I was getting heavier, I thought they didn't liked me anymore, so I became even unhappier, I quarreled with my parents alot, cried even more and detested my younger sis. Often I made her cry.

But she was still a happy kid, always putting on a smile... When I was in school I didn't score well for my grades cos all I thought about were my toys which later on I was introduced to video games. I didn't know my parents spent alot on tuition for me, I didn't like it, I just liked the sweets that the tuition teachers gave. I continued to score badly for my grades, I didn't know the importance of going to school, I didn't know I was in the best neighborhood primary school. I didn't really had the choice of going to school except the times I didn't feel like going to school cos I don't want to get caned for not doing my homework and mom had to get MCs for me.. sometimes even do my homework for me.. Like I said, I didn't know I was spoiled...

In school, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't join any ECA, I was bullied all the time, I was smaller than the other kids and started wearing nerdy glass since primary 3, the girls made fun of me and called me "froggy", the guys treated me like punching bags... all the way into secondary school...

My dad owns a durian farm in Malaysia, we often had to go to the dreaded place full of mosquitoes... Like I said, I didn't know how rich my dad was, so much that he owns a land, but I didn't care, I just didn't like all the dirt, mosquitoes and the hot sun. His business was definitely not my business...

I'm a little bigger here cos I started to change in secondary school, I started to realize that girls are pretty! Then all the bgr curiosity started. I realise the girls like the guys with center parting, so I started to grow a little hair and threw a lump of gel on it only to be laughed at the first day I did it, later I also realized that the guys who had bigger muscles also got attention from the girls so I started going gym since sec 2. I got bigger, with longer hair and finally I got a little more attention from the girls but not the one I liked. I realized I like the "ah lian" type... probably cos an "ah lian" type stood up for me in class during primary school after the guys made me cry. So the first gal I asked to be a boyfriend was an "ah lian" who just broke up. She rejected me right on the spot. I cried like a baby.

In my secondary school, I also chanced upon friends who were Christians, I didn't like them cos there were a few very cocky, noisy, talk big, and one hell of a proud assholes. They brought me to a church, I didn't know such a thing called double standard... I thought they were weird people... I told myself I never want to go to a church ever again. Those hypocrites!

Then I turned bad... I went to get my ear pierced, joined a little gang and carried those sharp combs that weren't allowed in school. Got into a few fights every now and then. I was an angry and confused teenager.

My life started to turn around when I was introduced to a little social gathering called cell group. I went once and met this fat guy, he was one really persistent fat guy who kept asking me to come for more cell groups. I didn't want to cos they were playing icebreaker games that got really violent at times... but I still went... cos there was this really cute girl there and I wanted to see her.

Soon enough, I learnt more and more about this God/man called Jesus which really got me more and more interested to find out more... then suddenly one day, someone said something I wasn't sure and poof! I became a Christian! Everyone started hugging me! I was scammed into saying the sinners prayer!

Then I started going church, my parents of cos didn't approved and banned me from going church but I still secretly went cos I wanted to know more about this Jesus guy who made the world agree that is it year 2000, that something really happened 2000 years ago in history that completely rocked the world's believes. The more I became a real Christian, the more amazing my life became.

My grades got much better, I got the Good Progress Award when I was secondary 4. I asked my cell group friend who is a very faithful Christian that I respect alot what I should do with the $150 bucks? He told me to give it back to God, which I reluctantly did. Then the next amazing miracle happened in secondary 5, I was 2nd in my whole cohort and got $500 for getting scholarship! On top of that, I was actually elected to be class chairman that year so it wasn't an easy feat... I didn't expect myself to even make it to any polytechnic but I did!

My life turned around even more in Polytechnic, I asked God for courage and adopted the name Andrew which means courage. I immediately volunteered to become the class rep on the first day and made many friends, joined many CCAs, learnt to play the guitar and met my first love. Life was really good, I was very active in church as well, joined the dance team and participated in many events and most importantly I became confident of myself. God's glory was shining through me.

Throughout my 8 years as a Christian, I never regretted knowing this amazing God. I had my tough times but He brought me through them all. I became more thoughtful and understanding, more patient and caring, more gentle and self controlled, more focused on my life, I was clearer to what I wanted, how to get there and why on earth I was born in the first place... I had more friends than I ever had... very amazing friends..

I became much more aware of myself, and became more confident by the day...

And most importantly, I am smiling together with my family now. =)

I didn't like this song at first... then when I looked at the lyrics... it reminded me of another song...

Here is the geek, nobody likes them, cos they are overly smart, they ask many questions and share intellectual jokes that only their kind understands. They usually come in thick glasses and combs side parting.

So tell me where did I go wrong?

If it's not these that work then I need to re-evaluate.

It is by nature and many million years of psychobiology that women are generally attracted to the dark, mysterious, commanding, romantic hero archetype. The alpha male romantic.

So the opposite should be true. They should generally not be attracted to the light, not-mysterious, yielding, non-romantic villain archetype. The omega males.

Hmm... this is going to be quite difficult to accomplish... I have already become 70% alpha than omega...

Wait a minute...

This is getting really lame... What am I talking about? What analogy is this?

Arh.. Heck! I'll just be me and see how everything goes. =)

It's everywhere! Literally haunting me!!

All I want is to focus, so I ran away from the place where I get distracted the most. But now, I end up in another fix...

Don't get me wrong, I love LOVE! I love to love, a hopeless romantic at that... I can just give up all my plans if I had to, just so I can be with whoever the one is. Climb over mountains and swim across the ocean to fight dragons just so I can buy a Koi Milk Tea for that special one.

But now I'm really trying to avoid it, I have set down my goals, I'm working on them now, making myself as busy as hell to take my mind off this subject... but it seems there's just no hiding from it.

Now I'm stuck in my hiding place, a dead end of a valley with the subject matter sitting right beside me 12 hrs a day, 5 days a week. Where am I to hide now?

Dear God, please help me out here... I do not know how this is Your will and how You would allow such an event to take place. What am I to do in such a situation? Please give me the wisdom to make the right choices, the choices that would glorify you. The courage to say and do the right things at the right time. Lead me not to temptation, keep me away from any lustful thoughts, selfish desires, boastful talks and proud gestures. Mould me more like you, knock some sense into me please. I am currently in an emotional handicapped state, I would really need that Armor of God You told me about and some of that miracle You used to pour on me from time to time... In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Dear God, I told a lie today which I felt bad about... It may be a white lie but a lie is still a lie. Boss was asking me how was everything, if everything is good? I say I'm learning alot and slowly getting the hang of it. Then he said if i'll be staying long rite? He said he doesn't want to go through the hassle of hiring and training another. I said yes. That was the lie!! I know very well I'll be going for my interview with SIA when I reach the required age which is about 9 months from now. And if I fail, I'll be going Australia to work. The only chance I will stay is if I fail SIA interview and they promote me before I finish applying for my VISA next year and pay a wage of at least 3k which I highly doubt so. God, please give me a little heads up on this. If it is in Your will, then let Your will be done. Thank You again for forgiving my sins. You are the ever so amazing God. I pray that You continue to guide me and give me wisdom on what to say when I meet future situations like these. In Jesus Christ name I pray. Amen.

I'm the type who bottle up my anger. When someone pisses me off, I usually let it pass but I almost never forget it. At least I'll try to, which sometimes I actually will. I'm rather quick to forgive though cos I've been forgiven for my sins. Like I said before, forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or a never feeling the pain anymore, we may never forget and the pain may last forever, but forgiving is choosing and promising to never bring the subject up again to anybody especially to that person and using it against that person. God didn't forget my sins and it definitely hurts Him to see us sin but He chose to never bring it up again against us. That's true forgiveness.

I believe that people don't really mean to hurt others intentionally, at least they weren't born that way, it's either of their personality that nurtured from their past experience, it could be how they were taught or through various reasons and experience that made them the way they are, so I couldn't really blame them if they said or did something that may have hurt me. It may be a self defense mechanism that have brought them this far. It's all Satan's fault, his evil suggestions for the society in a whole. All the evil, selfish, jealous, uncaring, proud, boastful and impatient seeds that he has planted in our hearts. Everyone is born innocent.

For me, my self defenses have evolved overtime through various books I've read and applied. Like how admitting my weaknesses and bad habits before the other party says them, makes them think twice before saying anything. When someone says something insulting or mean to you, reply, "thank you for your compliment, same to you too!" When in doubt, always ask, never judge, some things may not be what it seems. Always let others win, even if you are right cos you don't have to be right all the time, a lesson in humility. Seek to make others happy instead of yourself, it makes life so much more worth living for. Worrying solve nothing.

Back to the topic of my bottled up anger. I'll always be nice to everyone if possible but somehow, no matter how nice I appear to a person who continually pisses me off, I always have thoughts of getting back at that person. I'll have thoughts of me saying really bad stuff that will make the person hope he/she was never born. I'll keep thinking of various bad stuff to say but eventually rationalize that our purpose on earth never was to destroy each other but to live together peacefully. If I had the choice and was still in the right of mind, I'd rather be the one who gets hurt than hurting others. Fighting was, is and will always be the worst solution. So in the end, the emotions is so called, bottled up. I know it's bad for health.

The thing with bottle up anger is well, they eventually blow up! Gets pretty nasty... I'll skip the details but the good thing is that, my capacity increases after each one which I've realize after more than a few people start commenting that I am a calm and patient guy. =)

I usually communicate through my problems. I'll try to get a win-win solution if possible. Else I'll just move on and decide that that person is just not worth my time and quit talking to him/her. Some people just need to learn it the hard way.

Dealing with people is just so difficult, everyone is so different. Knowing this, has made me very taciturn and distant that I'd rather live in solitude, away from people, away from the crowd... but somewhere deep inside tells me that there are many people out there that may need my help. Hmmm... need to pray about that...

So in the end, I'll just stick to my bottled up angers... I believe in world peace.

Dear God, sorry for bottling up my emotions, sorry for every time I blow up and sorry for every evil thoughts that come across my mind. Thank You for forgiving me and thank You for giving me the fruit of patience and gentleness. I pray you sow in me the seed of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Shouldn't be happening when most of the people just started not long ago right? But somehow I think this may not be true...

Think it starts with a little office gossips... starting to feel that it's really unavoidable, it may spark off from a little jealousy, upset, stress, or simply a personality mismatch between people in general.

Then just today I learnt that there's some 'under table

going on... After people in office starts to form little groups, and afraid of whoevers on top, or maybe just some minor things that the people from top just doesn't understands yet still insists on... Then the only solution left is well, to keep them out of the loop.

Sooner or later, things can get pretty serious... little ambiguous fights will start to happen, the internal conflict thats just invisible to the naked eye. The tug of war between the walls is happening all the time...

And of cos, the backstabbing happens all the time... since young... could be due to various reason... also highly unavoidable...

Dear God, today I got a little upset a few times. I was caught and told to wear my cap properly, felt a little freedom striped off, then I saw some smoke grenade thrown to make me think I otherwise, felt a little stab in the back, then after a confrontation with boss, I won but the opposition was a little upset and revealed the 'rumored' double standard going on, a little kindness but was done 'under table'. Finally, my so called 'leader' ran his OCD fingers all over my desktop and 'fix' everything he felt wrong like saying my icons are too big, that opening files should be done with double-click and not expanding them to see, files should be searched using search and not manually, hidden layers should be viewed and edited only by overprint preview then locking instead of hiding the layers. Thank God for making me highly adaptable, thank God that I still can have my long hair and wear jeans, thank God I can still use google search, thank God my boss say I can take leave to go school, thank God this is a very high paying job, thank God I've made some pretty nice friends, thank God I can sleep in my very own bed. Thank you God. Please grant me the will to carry on, the strength take the hits, the discipline to manage my time, courage and the love of God to show how wonderful You are. In Jesus Christ Most Precious Name I pray. Amen.

Smoking is really bad. Not only does is cause harm to you, it significantly causes harm to the people around you as well. Same for drinking too much alcohol. Basically not taking care of yourself affects more than just yourself if your thinking that it doesn't.

Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice by John Gray