Fai†hfully Preparing my Fields for the Rain

:: Chill Relax Layback ::

What's happening to me? I'm getting worried over a girl who's older than me... this is bad... i can see symptoms of me losing myself... need to tell myself that she can take care of herself, so chill... relax... layback... Do your project. Deadline before 23.59.

Had a Vision
on Monday, May 30, 2011, 7:50 PM

:: The Chipmunks - As Long As You Love Me ::

When I was younger I liked this song alot but could never put a face to have this song sang to... now I have... cos Loneliness has always been a friend of mine, I kept everything to myself, my problems, my pain and my emotions were only known to me and my God, I never show my true emotions to anybody, because it never turned out good, until I met someone completely out of my league and I'd have to be really crazy or blind to actually want to be with that person. Nobody could ever imagine a pair like us. She has been shortselling herself and trying to scare me away but little did she know she's already got me blinded. She's been putting much images of her in my head and I have to constantly tell her it doesn't matter what her history is. I didn't care what she did, where she lived and who she is or how bad she thinks she is... It really seems I'm really risking it all in a glance... everything seems so fast. I took a leap and now I can't stop falling.

Every little things like "JOKING CANNOT AH!" or the bi sai jokes and all the naked shiny running around that she has said, and every little things that her tipsy molly did usually after midnight, feels like it's deep within me (especially her teeth marks and saliva). Doesn't matter how hectic or chaotic her life is, running around pleasing everyone, no matter how busy or how complete opposites we are and impossible a pair we may be, it still feels like we're meant to be.

I've been trying hide this little silly dream of mine, hoping nobody knows. But I guess it shows when we looked into each other's eyes. It doesn't matter if she has a spare tire, double chin, a few tattoos, multiple piercings, Madonna tooth, smells like Tiger beer or Marlboro...

As long as she's here with me... As long as she loves me... As long as I know I'm no longer alone...

Had a Vision
on , 11:51 AM

:: My Girlfriend is a Vampire ::

I went to save her and she suck my soul out and bit me... literally... ow... the mark on the shoulder is huge!! I wonder how the one on my left bicep came about though... hmmm...

And most importantly, I felt the connection!! I only felt physical attraction all the way until just now, there was a tint of emotional joy that runs deep within the soul.

Initially I thought I'm either emotionally dead or maybe it really is going to take some time for me to reach there. Like the little psychology quiz, I have high stone walls around my floating castle, means I'm a closed person, not to the point I will hide stuff about myself or my secrets but emotionally I just cannot be reached. I often feel a sense of detachment from those around me. I can form bonds of friendship, but there is always distance in my relationships. To me it seems that there is a certain bridge that I just cannot cross, no matter how close I get to someone.

Some days it makes me sad. Other days I'm content to just being in my own little world.

I asked my sis what exactly does it feels like to have a connection feeling, she says its the warm fuzzy feeling inside but my only recollection of having that feeling ever was when my mom or sis give me a back massage or when they help me to squeeze the pimples on my back.

Anyway, I'm so happy, I'm not a vampire nor a robot!! I'm human!!! Just a little slow... that's all... a little slow...

Had a Vision
on , 3:06 AM

:: Core of my stress attacks. ::

I realized the stress is coming more from school than anywhere else... Maybe it's the deadlines that stresses me out... The idea that I'm being judged at a specific time.

I found this out when I'm eating more chocolates than usual when I'm trying to figure out how to do my projects...

Had a Vision
on Saturday, May 28, 2011, 11:35 AM

:: Level Up! ::

I realize I don't usually blog about happy stuff here. It's either the dreams I had which I use to understand myself or plans I have or negative emotions but rarely I put a happy emotion here.

I guess I don't really know how to put the happiness emotion into words.

Had a Vision
on Sunday, May 22, 2011, 1:01 PM

:: Zombie Dream ::

Dreamt that I was fighting a big zombie, he was fast, he used charge attack on us, I was not alone, there were others. So the big zombie about 2 meters tall had thick skin, built and strong, he could bash through walls. I was somehow faster than I usually am in this dream, I had this very special shotgun that needs to be loaded with this special double-sided bullet. I can only load 5 of these double-sided bullet into the shotgun but I only had 4 and a half. So in the end I had only 9 shots at the big zombie. I dodged very well at his charge attacks at me, rolling away like some hero. Took a few shots and missed, then rolled away again, took a few shots and hit but because the skin was too thick, the bullet didn't penetrate. Then finally I'm left with a few bullets left, I did much running and hiding, panting and discussing with others on what to do and somehow my last shot managed to bring the big zombie down.

Then I was in another dream, again zombies, I was fighting them with my bare hands, slamming, punching and kicking. The mobs got more and more and I got more tired. They were not easy to whack, but I was weak. I retreated with the other survivors into a shopping mall. These zombies were of normal size, slow and dumb, they didn't know they can't walk through glass doors so they all end up walking into the shopping mall glass doors but couldn't get through. Suddenly I felt very urgent and quickly rushed into the toilet, and a girl came out of the toilet, we jumped and I realize I was in the wrong toilet but I didn't care cos I was really urgent so I went in and let go. *wakes up and realize it's a dream and went to the toilet to pee*

My Interpretation

This wasn't really a nightmare else I'd have woken up in sweat. I used to have me running away from zombies or monsters but now I'm fighting them, this obviously shows I have become stronger subconsciously. I am no longer running away from hidden feelings and emotions but rather facing them head on.

The first part of the dream, the big zombie probably represents a strong negative emotion, chances are it is peer pressure. Me fighting it means an inner conflict that I am trying to solve. To dream that I'm being attacked, indicates my character is being questioned. I feel the need to defend myself. My hidden feelings here are stress, vulnerable and helplessness. The bullets signifies my words and a reminder to be cautious of what I say. Words are a double-edged sword. Me shooting the big zombie means my hidden aggression and anger towards this unknown aspect of myself. Slowly but surely, I will defeat this part of me. A sign that something positive will happen.

The second part, is the same meaning the same thing as the first and a confirmation to the first. The zombies represents a strong negative emotion also probably peer pressure, me fighting back means an inner conflict, me getting tired just means me being tired of fighting this emotion, and even me going to pee means a successful release or overcoming of my emotions. Me in a mall just means that I'm trying to make an impression, trying to proof myself. Me not caring about me going into the girls toilet means me going out of my way and following my gut feelings despite the situation.

Had a Vision
on , 11:23 AM

:: Meaning of Rings on Fingers ::

Different rings have different meaning and here's what I found.

Thumb ring is Poseidon (individuality, independence, freedom)
Index finger ring is Zeus (dominance, power, energy)
Middle finger ring is Dionysus (irreverence, rebellion, decadence)
Ring finger is Aphrodite (love, romance, connection)
Pinky ring is Ares (conflict, assertiveness, cometitiveness)

No rings is Hermes (friendliness, helpfulness, adventure)

Had a Vision
on , 10:37 AM

:: Bloody books... ::

Pain and pleasure drives people to make changes... Recently I just experience some of that and I think it's time to change...

I am clueless when it comes to matters of the heart. But I'm not the sort who would do nothing about it. So I went to read it up and learn as much as I could, to prepare myself for every possible setback that may happen.

Have you ever do everything you could

for the better and for the good

but only to be disappointed and misunderstood

It hurts so bad inside, feeling so darn blue

Like many knifes endlessly poking you

Left in utter confusion without a clue

Just as I thought it couldn't get any worst

It was knowing that I've hurt someone I love

that brought tears rolling down my cheek curves

Bloody books, theories and thoughts, think so far, feel so tired

Should not have taught or plead, selfishly wanting only what I desired

Maybe it was something I did or said, maybe.. I should.. just.. keep.. quiet...

Had a Vision
on Thursday, May 19, 2011, 3:44 PM

:: Bruno Mars - The Lazy Song [Official Video] ::

Had a Vision
on Tuesday, May 17, 2011, 2:24 PM

:: Someone is Reading My Blog... Someone... ::

Last night I found out that someone special is reading my blog. She's not really good at listening cos she always interrupts me when I try to talk but it's okay cos I do that sometimes too and since she's reading my blog, my greatest expression of myself and probably nearest to how I truly feel and think about stuff. I have a reassurance that she still knows how I feel, don't know if she would understand though. I'm happy she told me, this is where I cannot be interrupted.

I read in the body language book that if you cross your arms, not only is it a sign of insecurity but it will immediately make you unreceptive to what is heard. Now every time when I try to talk, i'll be taking note of this particular body sign. I also read a few chapters earlier that smiles and laughter are infectious and used for building bonds, which confirms what I believe, that "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

And finally, I had the longest hug I've ever had in years... I'm having a strong feeling that cannot be expressed in words... and since talk is cheap, let's put in simply in a picture.

Now I'm still contemplating her love language... How to make her feel loved so I don't waste my time and efforts. =X

Ann, if you're reading this, below are my thoughts, they are my honest worries about the future and is NOT advisable to be read as it may sound a little intimidating but I'm taking that risk of scary you away yet I really hope that you know how I feel and understand. You said you're not looking for a fling, neither am I. Saying is easy so I'm making every effort to show you I'm serious.

Hmmm... Rejects my kit-kat and stomp on flowers before so definitely not 'Receiving Gifts' (phew, can save money here). Helps people and mentioned several times about how her friends and ex have helped her during her dark times, dependent and also independent but shuts me off many times when I try to help her with anything, so there is a 50% chance that it is 'Acts of Service'. Complains about names calling, subconsciously asking for reassurance while denying it and feels upset when unappreciated, so it might be 'Words of affirmation'. Shows much concern for the close people around her and complains when not shown concern and understanding, take time out to walk alone, finds a confidante to talk when really upset or confused, so I think there is a high possibility that it is 'Quality Time'.

If this is true den the nearest probable issue to appear is that we are on different shifts from June onwards. August onwards, OT would be lesser, meaning even lesser time of seeing each other and I don't really have time on weekends cos of my projects until December. After that, next year January I'll be going for my interview to SIA, if I fail, then there is a high chance that plan B of going Australia to work for 2.5yrs will happen resulting in a 'Long Distance Relationship' unless I get promoted with equal expectations of pay and time or I somehow, miraculously convinced her to come over Aussie to stay with my Aunt (not close enough with each other for this to be possible yet), so... haiz...

Dear God,

I pray I will pass my interview next year so I can stay in SG. To be there for someone. Thank you God for everything that has happened so far, my job, my family, my dreams, my health and the desires of my heart. Please bless me in this path I'm taking but let Your will be done, not mine. Lead me not to temptation of the human heart but guide me every step along the way to a holy and righteous life that pleases You. In Jesus Christ most precious name I pray. Amen.

Had a Vision
on Sunday, May 15, 2011, 10:46 AM

:: Dream of Rabbits and a Cat ::

Had a dream of bunnies, they were all just so cute, i was at my pasir ris home instead of tampines. It was a little weird that they had hunger bars and happiness bars like in games, then I went to feed them satay, I know they're vegetarians but somehow they ate meat. Then my sis cut satay right in front of their mouth while they eating and cut some of their fur, i told her 'there, i told u so'. I reprimanded her about how to look after rabbits. After some time their hunger bars were full but their happiness bar was only at 50%.

"Meow" I turned around and there were always cats coming to our house, the neighbors one, we always shoo it away cos got guinea pig at home but in the dream we have rabbits right at the door. We were afraid that the rabbits would run out but we still left the door open. Our neighbors cat was white with some brown, it was cautiously moving towards us until it's bell gave it away. So we scare away the cat with a slipper, it kept coming back a few times but slowly we manage to completely scare the cat away. The happiness bar of the rabbits also slowly increased.

My interpretation of this dream:

The rabbits in my current home probably signify a mixture of my past and present, I try to do everything I can to make myself happy. I somehow knew what I was doing with matters of love and tries hard to convince the people around me that I am right. A sign that positive changes are about to happen if I start to get advise and consider the feelings of others.

The cat probably means a feminine side of me and my perspective of women, a force that may be trying to come into my present and do something about my past, and I love my past too much that I'd give myself the freedom to do whatever I want but fear they I might get hurt if I let my my feminine side get to me. So I go out of my means, sum up my courage rid away that feminine side of me, protecting my freedom of choice. Successfully scaring away the cat is a sign of overcoming a certain situation in life and positive changes will happen.

Had a Vision
on Friday, May 06, 2011, 5:53 AM

:: 5 Love Languages ::

Just finished this book. Very interesting concept of love, even though the whole book basically shares examples of how the concept was applied and worked.

Here's a recap of what I learnt.

Basically, everyone of us has a love tank that our parents used to fill us up with since young then as we grow older, our love language may or may not change or maybe our parents stopped showing us love in our language, that is when our love tank become empty and that is when we will go out to find other ways to fill up our love tank.

Unknowingly along the way, someone does a little something that actually fills up our love tank, that is when we 'fall in love'. When our tank is full, we feel like we can conquer the world once again!

So here's the 5 basic love languages:

Words of Affirmation

Quality Time

Receiving Gifts

Acts of Service

Physical Touch

People with the love language of Words of Affirmation are those who needs to be encouraged, appreciated with words, sweet nothings of love and compliments.

People who needs Quality Time are those who wants to talk face to face about life, work or basically anything will do, maybe not talking and just a simple stroll in the park together or it could be activities spent together like a sport.

Receiving Gifts is quite self explanatory, these people aren't really materialistic, the gifts might not be expensive, it can be self made, or even a little pebble found on the beach that is shaped like heart, there's also the gift of self, being there when he/she needs you the most.

Acts of Service means things like making the bed, doing the laundry, getting dinner done, looking after the kids, it may not be permanent, when these little acts are done out of the blue may actually clear away some Monday blues.

Physical Touch is usually mistaken as sexual intercourse but that's a completely different subject. Here, it is actually the stuff like a back rub, little brushing of arms when walking together, running your finger up each others hand or a little under table touching.

For me, this book has made me realized something important about me. I didn't require quality time cos I prefer to be alone, just blogging is fine. I hate receiving gifts, especially the ones I have no use for, I understand it's the thought that counts but thats just not my love language, I feel I that I'm the best person who knows what I really want, so just let me give myself gifts. I don't really need acts of service as I have grown very independent like how I blogged about before. Then there is physical touch, that is the one thing I always hope for every time I'm out with people and the thing that I never got at home nor can I give that to myself... Words of affirmation is probably my second, as I've grown to take criticism as a tool for growth and I always find quotes to encourage myself but I guess it's really different when you finally hear it from someone else.

Anyway, here's a few quotes I took note of from the book that are rather meaningful.

"The best thing we can do with failures of the past is to let them be history."

"We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history."

"Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love."

"Gifts need not be expensive, nor must they be given weekly. But for some individuals, their worth has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love."

"People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need."

"As creatures of choice, we have the capacity to make poor choices but poor choices in the past don't mean we must make them in the future. Make the choice to love now."

"Love doesn't erase the past, but it makes the future different."

"I want to believe that I am significant, but I may not feel significant until someone expresses love to me."

"Without love, I may spend a lifetime in search of significance, self-worth, and security."

"Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us."

"Since love is such a deep emotional need, the lack of it is perhaps our deepest emotional pain."

Had a Vision
on Monday, May 02, 2011, 6:49 PM

:: Need more self-control ::

Dear God,

I don't know how long more I can take this... I'm having alot of pressure in office... and my love tank is very near empty... I believe You placed this situation in my life now to test me, I also believed You'll give me the fruit of self-control to contain myself and to rely only on You. Fill me up with Your love so I may overflow and continue to love the people around me. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Had a Vision
on Sunday, May 01, 2011, 4:02 PM

:: Be Happy ::

Be happy. Talk happiness. Happiness calls out responsive gladness in others. There is enough sadness in the world without yours . never doubt the excellence and permanence of what is yet to be. Join the great company of those who make the barren places of life fruitful with kindness. Your success and happiness lie in you. The great enduring realities are love and service. Resolve to keep happy and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.

~ Helen Keller

Had a Vision
on , 12:40 AM