Fai†hfully Preparing my Fields for the Rain

:: I'm a sick puppy yo! ::

Yesterday after work I felt sick... and wanted to just go home sleep but my mom ask me to go see doctor so I decided I should. Suddenly I felt this painful lonely feeling... but my gf decided to give up her appt for me. To accompany me to see the doctor, the lonely feeling gone! I still felt weak though. So my speed became slow motion. She accomodated my speed.

It was heartfelt. Though generally all my senses seems to have weaken but I could still feel her love when she sayang my face, my chest, my back and my hands, when she checking if I'm okay, when she rushed ahead to check if the nearby clinics accept Aviva, when she took the big risk of getting my germs and hugged me, and of cos when she didn't hit me when I was irritating. ^_^

I still feel sick today but I must go to work...

Had a Vision
on Thursday, July 28, 2011, 6:07 AM

:: Brandy - Right Here (Departed) ::

When you feel your heart's guarded
And you see the break's started
When the clouds have all departed
You'll be right here with me

B rock, uh, Darkchild
We back
You'll be right here with me

(Oh, oh, oh)
You'll be right here with me

When your life is going too fast
Off the train tracks
I can slow it down, oh

Just when you think your bout to turn back
'Stead you might crash
I'll be your ground, oh

Oh when you feel your heart's guarded
And you see the break's started
And when the clouds have all departed
You'll be right here with me

And when your tears are dry from crying
And when the world has turned silent
And when the clouds have all Departed
You will be right here with me.

(Oh oh oh)
I will be right here with you
You'll be right here with me
I will be right here with you
You'll be right here with me

When your trapped and there's just no key
And you can't breathe
I breathe for you

The fire's got you down on both knees
And the walls are closing in
But I will break it through

And when you feel alone
I'm a be your home
Whenevers comes and go
You know I got you

Oh when you feel your heart's guarded
And when you see the break's started
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/b/brandy-lyrics/right-here-(Departed)-lyrics.html ]
And when the clouds have all departed
You'll be right here with me

(You'll see the sun)
And when your tears are dry from crying
And when the worlds turned silent
So when the clouds have all departed
You will be right here with me

I will be here right beside you
Every step you take, yea
I will be your strength, your shelter
Shield you from the rain

(Oh when you feel)
Oh when you feel your heart's guarded
And when you see the break's started
And when the clouds have all departed
You'll be right here with me

And when your tears are dry from crying
And when the worlds turned silent
So when the clouds have all departed
You will be right here with me

Oh when you feel your heart's guarded
And when you see the break's started
And when the clouds have all departed
You'll be right here with me

And when your tears are dry from crying
And when the worlds turned silent
So when the clouds have all departed
You will be right here with me

I will be right here with you
You'll be right here with me
I will be right here with you
You'll be right here with me

I will be right here with you
You'll be right here with me
I will be right here with you
You'll be right here with me, yea

Had a Vision
on Wednesday, July 27, 2011, 12:33 AM

:: Who's controlling our brains? ::

Long time never blog le... was surfing the web and found this! An optical illusion with black dots!

It's our mind playing tricks on us. I hate it! I can't believe OUR MIND is actually playing tricks on US! Like we have no control over our mind liddat... Then who's controlling our minds if not us?

Had a Vision
on , 12:16 AM

:: I'm not emo. ::

I'm not emo, I just cry alot.

No more eno nemo but the pain inside is really just too much...

I guess I'm really not as patient as what you think I am... I've been apologizing so much... I don't even know why this time. I always apologize first when it hurts me too but now it's really too much... I tot too highly of myself... why can't you understand and trust that making you pissed or unhappy is the last thing I ever want to do. I always try to make you happy because I really want you to be happy and thats the only thing I have on my mind when I'm with you... now you don't even give me a chance to rectify myself... I love you the way you are and I'm willing to change for you cos I love you and I know I'm not able to handle you but i'm doing my best to become that person who can but now I feel I'm not allowed to love you or you don't want me to love you anymore or am I loving you the wrong way?? o_O I'm truly confused!

I'm feeling like this now because I've fallen really deep and every little action, words and even silence is affecting me.

ARGH! SNAP OUT OF IT ANDREW!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!! WHERE'S THE NO EMOTIONS ARE ALLOWED TO CONTROL YOU??!!

SNAP OUT!! Chill... breathe... sleep... don't think about it...

Had a Vision
on Thursday, July 14, 2011, 1:15 AM

:: Can't sleep ::

I'm awake cos I'm affected cos I care cos I'm deeply in love...

I have lots more to write but I cannot have a reader who's gonna be affected so easily. I need to contemplate... my only source of self expression is being compromised... Can I really not say what I really feel like saying even here? How then can I release these suppressed feelings and words?

Oh well, last one before I migrate all negative thoughts to my private blog... which is an unwise move cos there's gonna be less communication and more miscommunication.

So many first time... and today marks another first time... I cried the most times over a girl.

Had a Vision
on , 1:03 AM

:: Love doesn't hurt, it's miscomm that hurts. ::

If love too much equates to care alot so much to get pissed for the longest time ever and choose to stay pissed and not give a chance for the other to redeem themselves over ego, then I guess the receiving end would be so happy to be loved so much the heart that the heart exploded.

I had this coming, I saw this in many relationships, I knew it was unavoidable yet I can't believe I had no clue how to deal with it...

The scenario I'm talking about is, girl gets pissed off at guy for some reason the guy has absolutely no idea yet it seems that it seems like it's the most obvious thing to the girl that she expects him to see, guy tries to find out but doesn't have a clue which makes the girl even more pissed cos to her it's as big as a mountain but yet the guy doesn't see it which eventually boils down to what I always conclude as MISCOMMUNICATION!

or rather lack of communication...

whatever happened to "6 Keys to a good relationship: friendship, freedom, honesty, trust, understanding, and communication."???

what happened to "A true friend is the only one there when the whole world leaves you."

what happened to "love is like flying a kite, hold to tight and the string breaks, too loose and it get blown away by the wind"

what happened to "honesty is the best policy"

what happened to "the problem is they don't trust each other..."

what happened to "Love allows understanding to dawn, and understanding is precious. Where you are understood, you are at home."

what happened to "we lack communication, we need to talk more..."

Had a Vision
on , 12:12 AM

:: Castle Dream ::

Dreamt I was living in a castle and was upset about some regimental thing related to the army... can't quite remember other details of the dream.

Some talkative guy was bragging non-stop about something but I stood behind a corner, leaning on the wall and couldn't be bothered with what he said cos I just couldn't agree.

Had a Vision
on Friday, July 08, 2011, 6:10 AM

:: Zombified ::

So so so so tired... slept around 3am and woke up around 5am... liddat how can... Thank God it's a Friday!

Feel so zombie...

Nite world! This zombie needs to Zzzz....

Had a Vision
on Saturday, July 02, 2011, 12:48 AM

:: Slow to speak ::

Listening and Doing

19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
20 for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

James 1:19-20

Had a Vision
on Friday, July 01, 2011, 6:34 AM

:: 3 piercing instances ::

I think I'm really the girl... I know I shouldn't be blogging this because a very important blog reader will be affected even if I ask her not to read, she still will but I also must get this out of my system to understand what is going on, 4get it and move on. These are unavoidable moments in life, the downs of a rollar coaster ride... But one thing different is I don't say and talk things out, it doesn't work for me either, I have to write them out...

Last night on the phone I had 3 instances where I held my tears back, I had to pause and swallow it up else I would have said the wrong thing and hurt the one I love. People say the worst things when they are angry.
I swallowed the first tear cos I was spoken to in a very upset tone yet I couldn't do the same cos that is not how I love someone. I felt unloved for a moment.
The second and third tear was when I realize how helpless and useless I am when I knew I couldn't protect someone I love and I knew I couldn't do anything to the someone I love to make her feel happy.
If you love someone, you would want them to be happy and carefree with no worries... especially when you're with them, no?

So the quickest solution was to divert the topic... I manage to lighten up for a moment when I finally hear a hint of laughter through the phone, I could picture a real smile and that made me genuinely happy for the moment as well. I will try hard to hold on to this instead of the former cos bad memories are not worth holding on to.

Anyway, I went to bath to cool myself down and told myself to not think about it, to not think so much but it didn't help cos these little moments were embed with emotions and much confusion. I always believe there is a cause for every effect but I couldn't find one at the moment. Therefore I always keep my emotions at bay, they are just do no good for me.

I always tell others to not cry, but in the end I'm the real cry baby when I finally tug into bed with the lights off, I burst into tears but cried quietly so to not let my family know...

I woke up but it seems the bad memories were still inside, I knew I had to write this down to make me feel better which it did... now I know why I don't write down the happy things cos I like to keep the happy things inside me while I throw out the bad ones. I cannot talk to people about sad moments because I know it will affect another. There is much power in our words. And great power comes with great responsibility. My verbal words must be used for value adding or for adding moments of happiness to others.

PEACE OUT! Feels good to blog! I'm good to go for work despite only having 2 hrs of sleep. =D

Bring it on world, you can't get me down that easily!

Had a Vision
on , 5:53 AM