Fai†hfully Preparing my Fields for the Rain

:: 3 piercing instances ::

I think I'm really the girl... I know I shouldn't be blogging this because a very important blog reader will be affected even if I ask her not to read, she still will but I also must get this out of my system to understand what is going on, 4get it and move on. These are unavoidable moments in life, the downs of a rollar coaster ride... But one thing different is I don't say and talk things out, it doesn't work for me either, I have to write them out...

Last night on the phone I had 3 instances where I held my tears back, I had to pause and swallow it up else I would have said the wrong thing and hurt the one I love. People say the worst things when they are angry.
I swallowed the first tear cos I was spoken to in a very upset tone yet I couldn't do the same cos that is not how I love someone. I felt unloved for a moment.
The second and third tear was when I realize how helpless and useless I am when I knew I couldn't protect someone I love and I knew I couldn't do anything to the someone I love to make her feel happy.
If you love someone, you would want them to be happy and carefree with no worries... especially when you're with them, no?

So the quickest solution was to divert the topic... I manage to lighten up for a moment when I finally hear a hint of laughter through the phone, I could picture a real smile and that made me genuinely happy for the moment as well. I will try hard to hold on to this instead of the former cos bad memories are not worth holding on to.

Anyway, I went to bath to cool myself down and told myself to not think about it, to not think so much but it didn't help cos these little moments were embed with emotions and much confusion. I always believe there is a cause for every effect but I couldn't find one at the moment. Therefore I always keep my emotions at bay, they are just do no good for me.

I always tell others to not cry, but in the end I'm the real cry baby when I finally tug into bed with the lights off, I burst into tears but cried quietly so to not let my family know...

I woke up but it seems the bad memories were still inside, I knew I had to write this down to make me feel better which it did... now I know why I don't write down the happy things cos I like to keep the happy things inside me while I throw out the bad ones. I cannot talk to people about sad moments because I know it will affect another. There is much power in our words. And great power comes with great responsibility. My verbal words must be used for value adding or for adding moments of happiness to others.

PEACE OUT! Feels good to blog! I'm good to go for work despite only having 2 hrs of sleep. =D

Bring it on world, you can't get me down that easily!

Had a Vision
on Friday, July 01, 2011, 5:53 AM