Fai†hfully Preparing my Fields for the Rain

:: Howling to be accepted ::

Ambivert is the in between of Extrovert and Introvert. Outgoing and Reserved.

I am actually by nature an introvert. When I was just a child, I was the "observer" I spend my time thinking and observer people. When I grow older, I started to understand friendship and later on I learnt about social norms.

Being alone had always been pretty much my life. At the same time I didn't like it, I also wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be greeted with warmth and respect wherever I go. I wanted to find just a friend who would understand me. I realized that the best way to make friends was to be one. Initially I couldn't do it. I just didn't know how. Slowly as I got older, I read more and learn more from experience on how to make friends.

I applied them and they worked, I always ask and prompt questions to arouse interest, then I act like I'm very interested with little tell tale signs like "Wa!" "Really??" "No, Seriously?!~" All of which were read from books. Keeping eye contact when talking and listening. Listen more because people like to talk about themselves. The more they talk about themselves and I look interested, they will start to like me and think I am interesting when I deep down I really couldn't care less cos the very next day I probably forgotten what you said.

Then I learnt and even better technique, laughter. It is the closest distance between people. I learnt to smile. Smiling and laughter have great influence on people. They feel close to me, so close to me that they start sharing they're deepest darkest secrets with me. I don't know if they realize they don't know me yet, I don't trust them. I am not close to them, as I always control the conversation, I ask the questions, they reveal about themselves. I never mentioned about me.

This whole thing, just because I wanted to be accepted, just because of the social norms, I had to put up an act, put on a mask.

Deep down I'm still a lone wolf. Longing to find someone who truly understands me and accept me for who I am. At the same time still gives me my lone time to howl my grief and sadness in the moonlight.

Along the way, the mask has been on me for so long, it seems to have become "another me". Like a split personality. I was in much dilemma, I no longer knew who I really was. I tossed and turn in bed, I cried and laughed like a mad man.

Then slowly but surely I come to the fact that I am still me, a better me, a learnt me. The mask has become part of my life, the smile has become a permanent feature. I was just stressed out with the uncomfortable change, the stepping out of my comfort zone to become someone I wasn't. I was evolving.

Now I'm still evolving, to become and even better me.

In the end, I am still in search of my soulmate... another me who truly understand me... to be accepted for who I am...

Had a Vision
on Tuesday, June 28, 2011, 10:18 AM